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Q. I'm a single mother. I have three children, Caitlin, 7, Tom, 9 and Liam aged 11. I don't have problems with Cait, but the two boys are making life difficult. Tom apparently behaves well at school, but has learning problems. When he gets home he often throws temper tantrums. Liam acts as if he hates me. He doesn't show me any affection and is extremely rude. Tom's dad died when he was a baby, and Liam's father doesn't visit him. I need to find out what I'm doing wrong, since I'm so stressed all of the time. A. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. We all expect parenting to be mostly fun. First of all, blaming yourself will get you nowhere. Like the rest of us, you have probably made loads of bad decisions in the past. So what? The question is where do you go from here to make the best of what you have at present. Your daughter is doing well - so you must be doing something right as a mum! It is also good news that your younger son is doing well at school. If he is able to settle down and work, even though he has learning difficulties, that is very encouraging. However, you might want to check with the school about how much he is struggling there, as it may be that he is bringing his frustrations home. Both sons are probably feeling the lack of their dads. It is very difficult to work on this. In some ways it is probably easier for the younger one. "A dead dad is better than an uncaring dad" since there is no ongoing rejection involved. Obviously there is not much you can do about the absent dad. All you can do is be matter of fact about it. Don't try to defend him, nor overly criticise him - if you do the former, your son will feel you are taking the "loser dad's " side instead of his. If you criticise him, your son will rush to defend him, after all, he is his dad. Remember that you cannot change the children. You can only change yourself. So, in what ways could you be different that would make life more peaceful for yourself? Surprisingly, if you can find ways to be more positive yourself, it will probably result in the kids also being more positive. Conversely, if you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got. The most important thing for you is to believe in yourself and your children. Look ahead instead of back, and make a decision as to how you want to be. Keep that vision positive. In other words, don't think about what you don's want and don't keep worrying. Imagine all the things you do want to happen. Remember too that changes come in baby steps, so you won't be completely happy overnight. Just keep making small advances and know that how you're living now takes a lot of work. Read parenting books, talk to other parents. As long as you keep focused on improving your lives, you will get there.
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