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Divorce is a sad fact of life. It is not a new phenomenon - parents have been getting divorced since the day that marriage was invented; and even before that couples would unite... and part. The very fact that two people who got together and promised to be there for each other through thick and thin have now come to this stage that they must separate is unfortunate indeed. Divorce has dark connotations because it affirms that something went wrong. But, if you have read any of my other articles, you will know that I am not one for looking at the past to see who we can blame. What does interest me is looking forward - to see how you can make the best of a bad situation. One thing is clear: No one wants to get divorced. But if, it happens or is going to happen, we should try to minimize its impact on all concerned, especially children. So, for the sake of the children, here are some tips on how to minimize the impact on the kids: 1. Children love both parents. Ideally, you should stick to the marriage for the sake of children, but if it is making everyone unhappy, then it’s best to put an end to it. It’s important to remember you have a responsibility towards your children to provide a loving and caring home with both parents. So, despite the fact that you may have tried hard yourself, I would advise you to try once more to rekindle the love you once had. It’s a good idea to seek help at this juncture before it is too late. For this, it is important to be honest with yourself and your counselor. This does not imply that you should continue in an abusive relationship ‘only for the sake of the children.’ If the reason for divorce is continuing violence, drug abuse, acrimony, and other such things, then the sooner you get out of it the better for all who are affected by it. 2. There are two ways of separating: one is to fight and create an ugly scene and the other is to be mature and handle it amicably. First of all, come to a joint decision that it is the best option in the given situation. And, as far as possible, try to avoid long court battles and custody disputes because they not only cost the earth but shatter your spirit. At this time you need all the positive energy to move on in life rather than get bogged down by deep wounds. Moreover, this is setting a bad example before the children who have their own problems of dealing with the prospect of losing the company of one parent. 3. You might think the other person is ‘evil’, but avoid speaking against him. Children don’t like to hear anything against their parents. You need to be grown-up and honest with your children. Talk to them and answer their questions as honestly and dispassionately as you can. You also need to reassure them that you will not leave them. Usually, that is a great fear in the minds of children. 4. The secret of all relationships is honesty. While you should not say nasty things about the other parent, there is no need to defend them either. If he has promised to come and doesn’t turn up, don’t make excuses for him. You don’t know what is going on in the child’s mind. Very often children start blaming themselves for all that is going wrong. Make it quite clear that it isn’t their fault that you separated or that the other parent is so unreliable. 5. However badly hurt or angry you might be, encourage your children to keep in contact (visits, phone calls, letters) with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. They need that. However much you might despise your ex, do not poison your child's relationship with him/her. 6. However, be very careful that you don’t start using your child as a messenger. Find other means to communicate to each other. 7. In case the other parent is really harmful or abusive, protect your child by all means, but make sure your opinion is not based on your prejudices. 8. If you have a choice, don’t go in for joint custody; it doesn’t work. The child feels torn between two homes. If the other parent is emotionally and financially strong, let him/her take custody of the child even though it rips you apart. And, take care of the parenting in your house and don’t dictate your rules on the other parent in their house. 9. Children are not prepared to see someone else taking the place of their parent. So, be sensitive about bringing strangers into the home. Children keep hoping that their parents will get back together some day. Don’t kill their hopes. 10. Above all, get yourself sorted out. Heal from the wounds, learn from the past, and be an example to your children of how to overcome a bad situation and turn it to good. Give your children hope, not despair, about human relationships, or they will just repeat the same cycle when they grow up. You can protect your children from the fallout of your divorce if you handle it in a mature manner. Be calm, sensible and adult about all the issues that concern your children. Ultimately, it all boils down to being the very best parent that you can be.
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Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter with expert parenting advice and also frequently writes for Yes Parenting website. Click here to get your own unique version of this article.
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