Some of the Funnier Things Said

In a rut? Grumbling about all the nonsense in your life? Switch to decaf and lighten up a bit. Easier said then done, eh? Well, give these jokes and quotes a read. They should do the trick.

1. Rodney Dangerfield - With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

2. Drew Carey - You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!

3. Steven Wright - Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

4. W.C. Fields - was a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.

5. Edward Abbey - A drink a day keeps the shrink away.

6. Steven Wright - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

7. Rodney Dangerfield - I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

8. George Bush - Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness.

9. Groucho Marx - She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

10. Rodney Dangerfield - I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

11. Steven Wright - Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. Dave Attell - You ever get drunk and pass out... or as I call it 'time travel'?

13. Dave Attell - Man, you've gone from social drinker to alcoholic really quickly.

14. Jay Leno - In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word 'peace.' Right idea, wrong president.

15. Bill Cosby - A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Life can be serious, but don’t put too much stock in the pressures of the moment. Tomorrow is a new day and somewhere, somehow, someone will say something hilarious.

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