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Q. My stepson, who is four years old, goes to visit his real mother on weekends if and when she is available because she is constantly in and out of jail and has 86 felonies. These visitations do more harm to our son than good. When he comes back he is very sad and doesn’t say a word for hours. A. Having the mom in jail is a bit unusual, but this situation is very common with separated parents. Usually, of course, the child is living with mom and goes to Dad for the weekend. But the story is often the same: when she comes back from the visits she is either more disruptive and badly behaved, or strangely morose and silent. Since you cannot do much about this difficult situation, you have to manage it properly so that it does not leave such an impact on your child. As a parent, you can handle the child better than any therapist. So, there is no need to look for one. There are basically two different situations. One is when one of the parents is causing the problem; and the other is just the differences between parents and homes. In this article I am going to focus on the former – the problem parent. There are several features suggestive of such 'poison'. One is that of being unreliable for visits - promising to call or show up, but then failing to do so. Often children desperately hope that, this time, dad will phone, or come, or send a present, and yet, time after time, they are let down again. Then, when they do go for a visit, they are often ignored, or merely have to fit in with the adult's own (often inappropriate) plans. In other words, despite their protestations of how much they care, the child is clearly very low on their list of priorities. An unreliable parent does not only disappoint the child but many times you have to change your plans because the other parent had promised to come and take the child but didn’t turn up. Then, in addition to their unreliability, they may also use the child as a pawn to convey messages (usually uncomplimentary) to the custodial parent. Or they may just spend the whole weekend criticizing and derogating the mother. All of this is very harmful to the child, as it undermines all sense of worth and belonging. They desperately want to be loved and accepted, yet at every turn they seem to be cast off by this parent who, at the same time, keeps saying how much they care. These kinds of parents are difficult to deal with even in the courts because they are experts in talking smoothly but their words are hollow. They don’t mean what they say. And, the court has to take the case at its face value. If you find yourself in this situation, you need to take some strong and decisive action. But it won't be easy. Start by seeking mediation or legal advice. Deny access to the other parent till the situation becomes clear. This is not to say that getting the courts to agree to this will be easy. What you can get, however, is some very clear agreement regarding visits: When will they happen? At what precise time? What about phone calls during the week? What happens if they other parent does not show up? Once you know the broad framework of the weekly schedule, stick to it. Be firm and refuse any deviations from the agreed terms. Do not let the other parent change the times of the visits. If the other parent has agreed to pick up the child at a particular time, then wait only till then and follow your own plans thereon. There is no need to be available whenever he turns up at his convenience. It is advisable to maintain a record of such deviations and the harmful effect they have on the child; you will need them in the court. In the meantime, continue to be as affirming, warm, positive and supportive for the times when she is with you. Do not make excuses for the other parent's failures. But also do not go on about them either. Focus on making the times with you as secure and 'normal' as you can. Remember, this is not a comfortable situation for both of you. If you feel none of this is working, think of moving to a different town or state, so that the problem of weekly visits is taken care of once and for all. This is the last resort and should be taken after cool consideration, lest you become the bad guy. Take some time to think of the situation. You may want to talk it over with a friend or counselor before you take such a step. Don’t let your prejudice against the other parent blur your reason. It happens to people; it may be happening to you. Make sure you are not over reacting.
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Dr. Noel Swanson is a frequent contributor to Yes Parenting website and also has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems. ~ai602 Feel free to grab a unique version of this article from the Unique Articles Submission Service
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